With Every Goodbye You Learn

When chaos swirls around me, or inside my little head, I often try to make some sense of it. The Days of Awe are upon us and that means even more introspection. I think and ponder and then apply whatever changes need to be made. Drama isn't fun and change can bring with it knowledge, wisdom, and peace.

Sometimes change comes quickly, other times it takes awhile. For example, cutting out two or three soul-sucking family members took me almost twenty years. Leaving that western world where free thought goes to die? Ten months.

Applying needed change usually happens between these two time extremes.

Let's go back to those excommunicated family members, shall we? I'm notoriously bad at ending relationships. It doesn't feel good to say goodbye. People evolve and grow and we don't know for sure that there isn't room for whoever they may become down the road. However. Within the past year, I decided that a few relatives were not good for me and my children. Since then, enormous burdens have been lifted and freedom never felt so good. I no longer have to be around people who don't approve of or appreciate me. I will never again go back to obligatory *anything*.

So I'm thinking - why stop there?

Why not close the door on anyone who is either a negative life force or who leaves me feeling yucky?

I know. You're probably thinking - you have shitty friends? Three or four. And I'm as surprised as you are.

I'm not perfect. I come across as opinionated, talkative, and my personality is jarring. Especially for those who don't have one of their own. I'd rather spend my time with people who consider such traits charming rather than challenging.

I talked to Becky the other day about friends who don't put forth much effort. They will lose touch for weeks, sometimes months at a time, and then get back in with minimal effort. I'm right where they left me. Accessible. Convenient. With few if any judgments.

Becky thinks it's a compliment in a way. They can straighten out their lives without worrying about me and whether or not I'll be there for them.

Meanwhile, what about my needs? Those are of no concern, really.

Well f*ck that.

Most people know I'm back in town, working hard, and by myself most of the time. Those with hearts of gold have offered sincere support. So why not just focus on them? Why do I reach out to people who don't offer me the same in return?

Therefore, when I get those insincere texts, IMs, or voicemails - "How have you been?" "Sorry I've been out of touch." and "You awake?" - I'm ignoring them. And the people who left them will slowly fade into the background. We won't discuss the end of our relationship. It will just be over.

Because they won't put forth the energy required to find out why.

I won't change my number or erase people from my online rolodex. I'm not running away. Just letting go.

You're probably thinking they'll read about it here and understand what's happening. No they won't. Checking in, reading my site, reaching out - all that smacks of effort. It shows a concern that doesn't exist.

If there's one thing I know, it's the limitations of the people in my life.

Reminds me of a poem I had to interpret in high school. I dig the part about decorating our own souls. I liked it then, but it makes even more sense now. (I've always been ahead of my time.)

Maybe Rosh Hashanah isn't about endings, but a renewed appreciation for people who value me enough to stay engaged is the best gift I can give. You may see it as a sunset. But I see the sun rising. Higher and higher each day.

Happy New Year, peeps.

Don't You Just Love Sarah Palin?

I adore her almost as much as I adore grumpy old men like Jack Cafferty.



Why, you ask? Why do I adore a dimwitted caricature that embodies the stupidity/ignorance/lowered standards running rampant in evangelical circles in particular and the American electorate in general?

Because she does. She shows in living color what her supporters value.

Plus she's brought Tina Fey back to SNL.


So there's that.

Things I'm Not Supposed to Like

Most of the time, I toe the line with traditional beliefs and likings that uphold my status as a serious thinker who votes to the left of Lenin.

But then I break ranks because I gotta be me. For example, I'm a fan of ...

- Sarah Palin. She's that crazy aunt you get liquored up at the next family reunion because listening to her say crazy sh*t is fun. But she shouldn't be running the country.

- Sugar waxing, cosmetic surgery, pedicures, manicures, and make-up. You don't have to look like a feminist in order to be one.

- Jimmy Buffet. 'Nuff said.

- Going to The Todd Theater with Victoria. She doesn't judge or ask me to view her webcam afterwards.

- Howard Stern. 'Cause I like to laugh.

- Republicans. It's safer to say they're all evil and stupid. But really they care about their kids, the future, and our country. A few even do some good. Plus they give great hugs.

- Misunderstood villians. Like Lucy Van Pelt and Nellie from Little House on the Prairie. They need allies too.

-Rabbits. Never let you down.

- Making money. It might sound shallow and elitist, but I don't care. The Sierra Club and ACLU will get better donations this year and so will my savings account. Everyone wins.

- Meat eaters. Good talk if you can look past the veal stuck in their teeth. And you can. Cause their eyes are more important anyway.

- Versace sunglasses, True Religion jeans, and Prada bags. They go great with anything. Kinda like me.

- The smell of pork products or watching someone eat grilled cheese sandwiches and potato chips. I've lost five pounds in the last few months because disgusting food has the same effect that taking care of my friends with STDs had in college - my legs and mouth stay closed until presented with irresistible options.

- Turning off the debate after the "I've got a bracelet, too" pissing contest gets old. There are better things to do on a Friday night, people.

...thanks Victoria.

"They're both crazy about their grandkids."

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

h/t Elise

Who You Callin' a Sucker?

Oh right. That would be us.

More Fallout

Resulting from John McCain's piss poor decision-making skills.

Da Da Dum Da Dum Da Da

Trying to postpone the debate was a mistake. Not surprising, since McCain was obviously looking for an excuse to stay out of any direct confrontation when the economy is so obviously in the crapper.

Wasn't it just last week he said the economy was strong? Now he has to cancel a debate to focus on it?

More people are hearing "McCain and The Membrane" speak about our issues - two leaders who sound like they never got past middle school civics classes. And then Obama's poll numbers go up again. As if America is rethinking their trend toward rooting for lowest common denominator. As if, indeed.

Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric? And did you hear the resounding sucking sound throughout our country at the same time? Are people pissed or just simultaneously opening up their Planter's peanuts jars to enjoy more "Dancing with the Stars"? Let's hear it for mediocrity and Cloris Leachman!

And while we're dancing, let's wave a jazz hand for socialism - when it helps the rich! We're all on pins and needles, along with Wall Street, to see who gets bailed out by Washington.

Entertaining, in a sick Shakespearean kind of way. And through all this - Middle America continues to get booted up the butt and still comes back for more.

So here's a funny...from Maureen Dowd.

Now that he’s finally fired up on the soup-line economy, Barack Obama knows he can’t fade out again. He was eager to talk privately to a Democratic ex-president who could offer more fatherly wisdom — not to mention a surreptitious smoke — and less fraternal rivalry. I called the “West Wing” creator Aaron Sorkin (yes, truly) to get a read-out of the meeting. This is what he wrote:



BARACK OBAMA knocks on the front door of a 300-year-old New Hampshire farmhouse while his Secret Service detail waits in the driveway. The door opens and OBAMA is standing face to face with former President JED BARTLET.

BARTLET Senator.

OBAMA Mr. President.

BARTLET You seem startled.

OBAMA I didn’t expect you to answer the door yourself.

BARTLET I didn’t expect you to be getting beat by John McCain and a Lancôme rep who thinks “The Flintstones” was based on a true story, so let’s call it even.

OBAMA Yes, sir.

BARTLET Come on in.

BARTLET leads OBAMA into his study.

BARTLET That was a hell of a convention.

OBAMA Thank you, I was proud of it.

BARTLET I meant the Republicans. The Us versus Them-a-thon. As a Democrat I was surprised to learn that I don’t like small towns, God, people with jobs or America. I’ve been a little out of touch but is there a mandate that the vice president be skilled at field dressing a moose —

OBAMA Look —

BARTLET — and selling Air Force Two on eBay?

OBAMA Joke all you want, Mr. President, but it worked.

BARTLET Imagine my surprise. What can I do for you, kid?

OBAMA I’m interested in your advice.

BARTLET I can’t give it to you.

OBAMA Why not?

BARTLET I’m supporting McCain.

OBAMA Why?

BARTLET He’s promised to eradicate evil and that was always on my “to do” list.

OBAMA O.K. —

BARTLET And he’s surrounded himself, I think, with the best possible team to get us out of an economic crisis. Why, Sarah Palin just said Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac had “gotten too big and too expensive to the taxpayers.” Can you spot the error in that statement?

OBAMA Yes, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac aren’t funded by taxpayers.

BARTLET Well, at least they are now. Kind of reminds you of the time Bush said that Social Security wasn’t a government program. He was only off by a little — Social Security is the largest government program.

OBAMA I appreciate your sense of humor, sir, but I really could use your advice.

BARTLET Well, it seems to me your problem is a lot like the problem I had twice.

OBAMA Which was?

BARTLET A huge number of Americans thought I thought I was superior to them.

OBAMA And?

BARTLET I was.

OBAMA I mean, how did you overcome that?

BARTLET I won’t lie to you, being fictional was a big advantage.

OBAMA What do you mean?

BARTLET I’m a fictional president. You’re dreaming right now, Senator.

OBAMA I’m asleep?

BARTLET Yes, and you’re losing a ton of white women.

OBAMA Yes, sir.

BARTLET I mean tons.

OBAMA I understand.

BARTLET I didn’t even think there were that many white women.

OBAMA I see the numbers, sir. What do they want from me?

BARTLET I’ve been married to a white woman for 40 years and I still don’t know what she wants from me.

OBAMA How did you do it?

BARTLET Well, I say I’m sorry a lot.

OBAMA I don’t mean your marriage, sir. I mean how did you get America on your side?

BARTLET There again, I didn’t have to be president of America, I just had to be president of the people who watched “The West Wing.”

OBAMA That would make it easier.

BARTLET You’d do very well on NBC. Thursday nights in the old “ER” time slot with “30 Rock” as your lead-in, you’d get seven, seven-five in the demo with a 20, 22 share — you’d be selling $450,000 minutes.

OBAMA What the hell does that mean?

BARTLET TV talk. I thought you’d be interested.

OBAMA I’m not. They pivoted off the argument that I was inexperienced to the criticism that I’m — wait for it — the Messiah, who, by the way, was a community organizer. When I speak I try to lead with inspiration and aptitude. How is that a liability?

BARTLET Because the idea of American exceptionalism doesn’t extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.

OBAMA You’re saying race doesn’t have anything to do with it?

BARTLET I wouldn’t go that far. Brains made me look arrogant but they make you look uppity. Plus, if you had a black daughter —

OBAMA I have two.

BARTLET — who was 17 and pregnant and unmarried and the father was a teenager hoping to launch a rap career with “Thug Life” inked across his chest, you’d come in fifth behind Bob Barr, Ralph Nader and a ficus.

OBAMA You’re not cheering me up.

BARTLET Is that what you came here for?

OBAMA No, but it wouldn’t kill you.

BARTLET Have you tried doing a two-hour special or a really good Christmas show?

OBAMA Sir —

BARTLET Hang on. Home run. Right here. Is there any chance you could get Michelle pregnant before the fall sweeps?

OBAMA The problem is we can’t appear angry. Bush called us the angry left. Did you see anyone in Denver who was angry?

BARTLET Well ... let me think. ...We went to war against the wrong country, Osama bin Laden just celebrated his seventh anniversary of not being caught either dead or alive, my family’s less safe than it was eight years ago, we’ve lost trillions of dollars, millions of jobs, thousands of lives and we lost an entire city due to bad weather. So, you know ... I’m a little angry.

OBAMA What would you do?

BARTLET GET ANGRIER! Call them liars, because that’s what they are. Sarah Palin didn’t say “thanks but no thanks” to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said “Thanks.” You were raised by a single mother on food stamps — where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I’d ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you’re at it, I want the word “patriot” back. McCain can say that the transcendent issue of our time is the spread of Islamic fanaticism or he can choose a running mate who doesn’t know the Bush doctrine from the Monroe Doctrine, but he can’t do both at the same time and call it patriotic. They have to lie — the truth isn’t their friend right now. Get angry. Mock them mercilessly; they’ve earned it. McCain decried agents of intolerance, then chose a running mate who had to ask if she was allowed to ban books from a public library. It’s not bad enough she thinks the planet Earth was created in six days 6,000 years ago complete with a man, a woman and a talking snake, she wants schools to teach the rest of our kids to deny geology, anthropology, archaeology and common sense too? It’s not bad enough she’s forcing her own daughter into a loveless marriage to a teenage hood, she wants the rest of us to guide our daughters in that direction too? It’s not enough that a woman shouldn’t have the right to choose, it should be the law of the land that she has to carry and deliver her rapist’s baby too? I don’t know whether or not Governor Palin has the tenacity of a pit bull, but I know for sure she’s got the qualifications of one. And you’re worried about seeming angry? You could eat their lunch, make them cry and tell their mamas about it and God himself would call it restrained. There are times when you are simply required to be impolite. There are times when condescension is called for!

OBAMA Good to get that off your chest?

BARTLET Am I keeping you from something?

OBAMA Well, it’s not as if I didn’t know all of that and it took you like 20 minutes to say.

BARTLET I know, I have a problem, but admitting it is the first step.

OBAMA What’s the second step?

BARTLET I don’t care.

OBAMA So what about hope? Chuck it for outrage and put-downs?

BARTLET No. You’re elite, you can do both. Four weeks ago you had the best week of your campaign, followed — granted, inexplicably — by the worst week of your campaign. And you’re still in a statistical dead heat. You’re a 47-year-old black man with a foreign-sounding name who went to Harvard and thinks devotion to your country and lapel pins aren’t the same thing and you’re in a statistical tie with a war hero and a Cinemax heroine. To these aged eyes, Senator, that’s what progress looks like. You guys got four debates. Get out of my house and go back to work.

OBAMA Wait, what is it you always used to say? When you hit a bump on the show and your people were down and frustrated? You’d give them a pep talk and then you’d always end it with something. What was it ...?

BARTLET “Break’s over.”

The Gaylord Palms Resort

Is my home for the next few days.

I'm not worried about anyone finding me. It's bigger than Wasilla, Alaska in here. Room service, fine dining, several bars, a beautiful atrium with ponds, gators and plenty of places to swim, workout facilities, Cinemax on the telly, and a cozy room.


My children in good hands back home and I can't hear anyone snoring.

And no one can hear me.

I may never leave...

Goodbye Mama Jeans

My godmother came to town recently and convinced me my tushie deserves only the best. We all know I've been looking for dynamite denim for some time now and couldn't quite justify the price factor.

Then Aunt "Ka-ching" Mimi arrived and suddenly I'm in Nordstrom's going from Mommy Jeans...


to Hot Mama jeans.

Finally, a True Religion I can get behind.

That Elitist Obama

Click on it for a larger look -

This Guy Totally Stole My Dad's Future Obituary

Check it out.

Funny stuff. But wait 'till you see mine. Way funnier.

These People Vote

If John McCain wins, I'm buying a shirt that says, "Your Retarded."



h/t Brother

This 'n That

It's official. Matt Taibbi is the best thing since sliced bread. When his article on Sarah Palin (in the current issue of Rolling Stone) is available online, I'll link to it.

My favorite quote:

And none of that matters, so long as you remember a few months before Election Day to offer them a two-bit caricature culled from some cutting-room-floor episode of Rosanne as part of your presidential ticket. And if she's a good enough likeness of a loudmouthed Middle American archetype, as Sarah Palin is, John Q. Public will drop his giant-size bag of Doritos in gratitude, wipe the Sizzlin Picante dust from his lips and rush to the booth to vote for her. Not because it makes sense, or because it has a chance of improving his life or anyone else's, but simply because it appeals to the low-humming narcissism that substitutes for his personality, because the image on TV reminds him of the mean, brainless slob he sees in the mirror every morning.

Michael Moore's Slacker Uprising is available to watch for free on his website.

Barack Obama will be in town tomorrow. I'd love to go harass him, but I will be in Orlando the rest of the week. Go tell him I said hi.

There's a new website devoted to analyzing America's political columnists. How about analyzing those that believe everything they read by such columnists? They're the real problem, aren't they?

Sarah Palin - The Great Uniter?

I know she gets the base of the Republican party quite excited. All of a sudden, they don't care much about a politician's personal life, family issues, wacky religious affiliation or the candidate's level of experience.

Cause she's their gal. And the crazy they know is better than the crazy they don't know.

Sarah Palin is also uniting those on the left. I'm getting emails and phone calls from people who normally aren't even interested in politics. They're all concerned that someone to the right of *Dick Cheney* might get the keys to the oval office. Someone who knows next to nothing about our country, its history and policies. Several people have sent me this email -

Here is a small thing you can do in two clicks – SECONDS! The Right is having people vote that Palin is qualified.

PBS has a poll that asks: Is Sarah Palin qualified to be VP?

Let's turn this around. You don't have to give your name or email address in order to vote. It's very simple.

I clicked on the link and found that more people have, indeed, indicated that Palin is qualified. On a PBS link? Come on, now.

See for yourself and then vote no. If you are so inclined. To think rationally, I mean.

Government Bailouts - A Historical Perspective

Republicans love handouts when they're the ones with their hands out.

A Yummy Idea

What is Tampa's most edible space?

Besides me.

This growing movement needs your help and ideas no matter where you live. Let's get started.

History of a Sign

Who is the Clarion Fund and What Are They Doing in my Mailbox?

Oh right. Dad's a registered Republican.

Great.

So this reactionary movie arrives - Obsession, Radical Islam's War Against the West - in the mail and I'm immediately suspicious. I ask around and hear Glenn Beck thinks it's one of the most important films of all time.

I almost throw it away when a friend tells me that people who can think and breathe with their mouths closed aren't just throwing this nonsense away.

They're writing "No thanks warmongers!" on the front and sticking it back in the mailbox.

Works for me.

The Beat Goes On

Is this the Obama camp on the eve of the election?



And for the musical theatre geeks - what will John McCain sing?

I know.

Have I Been in Lutz Too Long?

I'm wearing shorts and t-shirts and takin' my boys to baseball practice.

When they asked for parents to come on the field and play a quarter or an inning or whatever the hell it's called, I actually grabbed a bat, hit the ball, and ran the bases. Correctly.

I called someone "gal" the other day.

I drank cherry wine last weekend and enjoyed it.

I don't complain about the heat or bugs anymore.

I. Talk. To. People.

Then I'm drivin' to work the other day and - wait a minute - is it me or is this a jam?

More Videos

Has Husband been away too long or is that cowboy kinda hot?

Looky here. What's the next song comin' up...



Ewww. Are those tears in my eyes? What's happening to me?

Maybe Robin and I should go eat sushi off a naked woman this weekend and then drink martinis afterward while making fun of rednecks.

*save me*

A Great Idea

Make a donation to Planned Parenthood.

In Sarah Palin's name.

A Planned Parenthood donation is tax deductible, where a political donation isn't. And here's the good part: when you make a donation to PP in her name, they'll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor.

See? Something good can come of this.

Who Knew This Site Existed?

Or that Palin could inspire poetry?

I think I have an idea for that Boobiethon picture...

Pick Yer Man

It's no secret who wound up as my chosen candidate.

Is anyone surprised?

Settle a bet - if you take the quiz and it points to a different candidate, if you are completely shocked by the outcome, let me know.

And no, Nader and Barr aren't options.

Or are they?

How to Best Thank Our Veterans?

This is undeniably corny, but I like the message.



Thanking our veterans is the least we can do. Someone ought to tell that to John "Have I Mentioned Vietnam Lately?" McCain.

I also like Jenn's idea. She sent the above clip suggesting a big sloppy wet one might be the way to show our gratitude toward soldiers. I may not be able to sign a bill into law, but I sure can kiss a veteran. Ask around. And then pucker up.

However, I bet our soldiers would rather their benefits and dignity restored. So we better get a President who will do just that.

And then I'll kiss everyone.

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

To: Kate
From: Steve

Subj: Dow's Doomsday Dumpster Diving

With Lehman Bro's not being bought out, I expect all of the other "private equity firms*" are going to be nearly liquidated by their investors... not, perhaps on the scale of the Bank Run of 1929, but close I suspect. But don't worry, we the taxpayer will come to the rescue... and it will be roundly and rightfully criticized by both left and right, because the problem was self-inflicted in the first place.

* Private in the sense, without government regulation they were allowed to lie (i.e. cook the books). Of course "we" the perpetually suckered taxpayers are going to subsidize the loss... but of course, reap no benefit if they profit. Good gig, if you can get it. Free Market as long as profits are rolling in, socialized coverage of risk, in case, um, you know loss.

New Republican Slogan

See more Adam "Ghost Panther" McKay videos at Funny or Die

Forever Moving Forward

You wanna hear my rule of thumb when choosing movies to watch? I generally stay away from anything Best Friend Becky likes. Since 1982, this has served me well. With few exceptions, like War Games and maybe The Big Lebowski, we rarely like the same flicks.

I dig on thoughtful choices that are open to interpretation. Becky makes fun of me when I attempt to analyze scenes and dialogue and quirky characters.

Mom rented Evening the other night and I remembered Becky ranting and raving about it so I expected to enjoy five minutes, total, before going to bed early.

But then I enjoyed it. But only a little bit. Does this mean Becky and I are getting similar in our old age? In more ways than one, folks.

Evening is an incredibly corny movie about a dying mother who, in the last few days of her life, starts mumbling about a man she spent five minutes with when she was a young woman. Her daughters remain at her bedside and then they blabber about life's choices themselves and how they are struggling with their own issues as well.

Then the mother dies.

I know. Chick flick horror.

But a part of me wondered about my own ending. Who would I mumble about? It's so easy to say that a person from our past who we hardly know could be a long lost love. Isn't the love of our lives the one who puts up with our nonsense, day in and day out, and sticks around despite morning breath and snide comments? A fantasy is just that - it's not love and it's not what I want to be mumbling about in the last few minutes of my life.

My favorite part of the movie is when the dying woman's best friend says to one of the concerned daughters that death bed mumbling doesn't matter. What matters is that the dying woman raised two daughters and had a life. That's what was real. The rest wasn't nearly as important.

I dug on that the most.

Then QJ went and posted some nonsense about couple's skating songs that brought me back to when I was a kid. Most romantic moments of my youth were spent on the sidelines while my friends couple-skated and had make-out sessions to this song.



I made fun of them, but inside always wondered why no one wanted to hold hands with me. My hair *was* big enough to deserve its own planet and that probably had something to do with my solitude. Although, to be honest, my attitude was always so much bigger and that's what kept most people at bay.

Still does.

Sometimes I catch myself listening to groups like Foreigner and wondering what it'd be like to make out in a car to such songs with the ocean in the background. Alas, I do believe those days are over. Nonetheless, I managed to escape my youth without catching any diseases or low self-esteem.

I just hope I'm not mumbling about any of it on my death bed.

Because apparently it's not what's important anyway.

In Case You Missed It

I found these amusing and entertaining and frustrating and thought I'd share.





Speaking of frustrating, I still can't believe you creative folks couldn't come up with some good Boobiethon ideas...

September 12, 1998

Catherine Durkin was my mother's mother. I couldn't write a character this interesting. No matter the situation, Nana did her own thing. Always.

She dropped out of school at fourteen to work and help support her family.

She started dating Grandpa when she was eighteen and he was thirty-two. She wore the engagement ring he gave her on the *other* hand. She went out and had a good time. Got her youth out of the way while she was young. Men used to gather around the windows in office buildings just to watch her walk to work. Town busybodies thought she was disgraceful, making an eligible bachelor like my grandpa wait. They got married when she was twenty-eight and he was forty-two. Cause she was ready then.

She walked down the aisle in a blue velvet wedding gown.

After she had six kids, she went to nursing school. Town busybodies thought it was disgraceful. A mother belonged in the home. She didn't care. She told the admissions counselor that her high school burned down and therefore she had no record of a high school diploma. She passed her classes and tests and became a nurse. Her patients loved her.

She said things like: "fight nice," "you make your own good time," and "I love me, too."

When saying goodbye to family members who lived far away, she'd sometimes walk away instead of standing with everyone to hug and kiss. My mom thought it cold until an aunt said, "Look closely next time. Catherine walks away so no one will see her cry."

As a baby, I liked to be rocked. Loved the attention. Instead of putting me in the crib and listening to me cry, Nana would tie a thin blanket around us so if she fell asleep in the rocking chair, she wouldn't drop me.

She had the best giggle.

When we'd leave her house after a vacation, she'd stand on the porch and wave until we were completely out of sight.

I loved her house and the way the stairs creaked when we used them.

Once when I broke up with a boyfriend, I wanted to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. "I'm just going to watch a movie with you, Nana. I don't want to go out." She snorted. "Don't hang around here with me. I don't want to look at your sad face all night. Get going." I had forgotten that self-pity is against the rules in our family.

She lost her eyesight and suffered from arthritis, but would still walk a half-mile from our house to the shopping centers every day for a cup of coffee and essential items at the store. Even though she had to cross a two-lane highway to get there. Town busybodies thought it disgraceful, an elderly woman walking by herself on a busy road.

Have I mentioned that my Nana did her own thing? Always.

She died ten years ago today. And we still miss her.

It's That Time of Year Again

I lost a cousin to breast cancer a while ago and have been walking and raising money for the cause ever since. Two years ago, these wacky women created Boobiethon where bloggers were invited to bare all in order to raise money for a cure.

We've bared all for worse reasons, haven't we ladies? And boys, too, you've lost your shirts for pure nonsense, now you can take 'em off for ta-tas.

This year I'm looking for new ideas. Should I continue with political stickers in strategic locations? "Nader"on one side and "Obama" on the other? Maybe a Red Sox theme?

Keep in mind, I'm not at all artistic but maybe I could do something fun with chocolate syrup?

The best idea wins. What do you win? I have no idea. Something fun, though...

A Blast From the Past

I wrote this a few years ago...

Parents prepare for certain questions when their children begin elementary school. My husband and I were no different, role-playing routines for the inevitable “Where do babies come from?” and “Is there really a tooth fairy?” However, nothing prepared me for last week’s inquiry.

“Mommy, do you know what happened on September 11th?”

My twin sons were eighteen months old on 09.11.01.

Only six now, I hadn’t thought about discussing the particular horrors of 9/11 with them. Not yet anyway. When they’re older, I will take out newspaper clippings, magazine articles and even a few documentaries that might help explain the events of that day. For now, my child's simple question stumped me. As I drove home, no quick or comforting answers came to mind. We pulled into our driveway and I turned around to face them.“Yes, sweetie, I know about September 11th,” I finally said. “Do you?”

My youngest son nodded.

“Bad men flew airplanes into New York City,” he said.

That’s certainly part of the story. My eyes filled with tears as I wondered what to add. As always, they were looking to me for more.

“It was a sad day,” I whispered.

I don’t know anyone who looks forward to the time when we have to explain evil to our children. My boys know about strangers and bullies. They are frightened enough by imaginary villains like The Green Goblin. I want to postpone introducing real-life bad guys who will elicit nightmares not easily forgotten; yet, I don’t have much of a choice. Friends and teachers are opening up a new and sometimes scary world and I must be available for comment. So I told my children about the sadness of that September morning.

They wanted to know why bad men hate America and I told them truthfully,"I don't know."

I also talked about real heroes, fire fighters and police officers, who rushed to save people. I focused on how we came together as a nation afterward with a renewed love for our country. After our talk, both boys were silent for a while. They looked like little men, contemplating the shock we all felt five years ago. Then my youngest was ready to go out in the backyard and play.

My oldest hugged me and said, “I bet if the Fantastic Four had been in New York, nothing bad would have happened.”

I returned his hug without saying a word, letting him be a little boy just a little while longer.

I Get the Best Emails - Ongoing

If you're a minority and you're selected for a job over more qualified
candidates, you're a "token hire."
If you're a conservative and you're selected for a job over more qualified
candidates, you're a "game changer."

Black teen pregnancies? A "crisis" in black America.
White teen pregnancies? A "blessed event."

If you grow up in Hawaii, you're "exotic."
Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you're the quintessential "American
story."

Similarly, if you name your kid Barack, you're "unpatriotic."
Name your kid Track, you're "colorful."

If you're a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fully vetting the individual,
you're "reckless."
A Republican who doesn't fully vet is a "maverick."

If you spend 3 years as a community organizer growing your organization from a
staff of 1 to 13 and your budget from $70,000 to $400,000, then become the first
black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive
that registers 150,000 new African American voters, spend 12 years as a
Constitutional Law professor, spend nearly 8 more years as a State Senator
representing a district with over 750,000 people, becoming chairman of the state
Senate's Health and Human Services committee, then spend nearly 4 years in the
United States Senate representing a state of nearly 13 million people,
sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public
Works and Veterans' Affairs committees, you are woefully inexperienced.

If you spend 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with
less than 7,000 people, then spend 20 months as the governor of a state with
650,000 people, then you've got the most executive experience of anyone on
either ticket, are the Commander in Chief of the Alaska military and are well
qualified to lead the nation should you be called upon to do so because your
state is the closest state to Russia.

If you are a Democratic male candidate who is popular with millions of people,
you are an "arrogant celebrity".
If you are a popular Republican female candidate, you are "energizing the base."

If you are a younger male candidate who thinks for himself and makes his own
decisions, you are "presumptuous".
If you are an older male candidate who makes last minute decisions you refuse to
explain, you are a "shoot from the hip" maverick.

If you are a candidate with a Harvard law degree, you are "an elitist-out of
touch" with the real America.
If you are a legacy (dad and granddad were admirals) graduate of Annapolis, with
multiple disciplinary infractions, you are a hero.

If you manage a multi-million dollar nationwide campaign, you are an "empty
suit".
If you are a part time mayor of a town of 7000 people, you are an "experienced
executive."

If you go to a south side Chicago church, your beliefs are "extremist".
If you believe in creationism and don't believe global warming is man made, you
are "strongly principled."

If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured
wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.
If you have been married to the same woman with whom you've been wed to for 19
years and raising 2 beautiful daughters with, you're "risky".

If you're a black single mother of 4 who waits for 22 hours after her water
breaks to seek medical attention, you're an irresponsible parent, endangering
the life of your unborn child.
But if you're a white married mother who waits 22 hours, you're spunky.

If you're a 13-year-old Chelsea Clinton, the right-wing press calls you "First
Dog."
If you're a 17-year old pregnant unwed daughter of a Republican, the
right-wing press calls you "beautiful" and "courageous."

If you kill an endangered species, you're an excellent hunter.
If you have an abortion, you're not a Christian, you're a murderer (even
if it happened while being date raped.)

If you teach abstinence-only in sex education, you get teen parents.
If you teach responsible age appropriate sex education, including the proper use
of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

If you're a Republican senator who solicits gay sex in an airport bathroom, you
get to return to your job in the Senate and are encouraged to run for
re-election.
If you're a Democratic Senator who is out of public office and have an affair,
your political career is over and your wife who has terminal cancer is to blame.


And finally:

Quiz question for the RNC, specifically those on the Religious Right.

Who is one of the most revered, and famous community organizers in history?

JESUS "I HEELED A DOG AND CURED A HAM" CHRIST

h/t Becky

Had to be Said - An Argument For Thinking Liberals to Vote Republican

My cousin wrote a rant. Not the one who appeared on The Today Show with a man purse. Another one.

I've got *a lot* of cousins.

For the record, this one is a veteran and a nice guy. He's been educated in an Ivy League school and eats Kashi cereal. But I've heard him engage in burping contests as a kid so he's got that going for him. Plus he's related to me. We used to watch The Gong Show and listen to Howard Jones late at night back in the mid-Eighties.

Anyway, Homeboy's pissed and wrote himself a gem.

Some highlights:

The Iraq War is certainly a deep dividing line between the Right and the Left, but barely a fraction of our society is involved in the war and most have no real understanding of the sacrifice of those who are fighting it. The divide this time is cultural, and this is an attempt to spell it out in real terms that are impossible for public figures to express.

By the way, I speak for every educated liberal when I write this so don’t let them tell you any differently. First and foremost we divide the Rep party into two groups: dare I say the “elites” that run it, who are wealthy and educated, and the rambling, smelly masses.

We comprehend and actually admire the way your party leaders are able to use hot-button issues like abortion, stem cells, and gun shows to mesmerize the retards and get them to do their bidding – if only we could do the same, we lament, as we break down in the shower and cry to ourselves after yet another stunning defeat at the polls.

We find your absolute faith in the literal translation (and literal is the key word here) of the Bible baffling and, ultimately, disheartening, in that it precludes you from objectively evaluating science and subjugates another generation of our nation’s children to forced lobotomization. We mock your failure to recognize human instincts and give up your drive for abstinence-only sex education and find your lack of support for birth control immoral and dangerous, especially in places like Africa.

We believe that your endless rants about higher taxes and Dem “welfare state” comments highlight both your hypocrisy (for the educated) and your retardedness (for the peasants). Most of these rants come from parasite states that are net receivers of Federal aid that pours out of the blue states like CA and New York (gasp!), New Jersey, and other liberal enclaves. Excuse us if we stare in disbelief while some leech in Mississippi is taking my money to buy stop signs and school text books while regurgitating some nonsense about big government.

If you pick elite athletes to represent the US in the Olympics, and we comb the Ivy Leagues for our next business CEOs, why do we want to send squarely average people to lead the US and the free world? Do you pick average mechanics and doctors? WTF is wrong with you?

We are embarrassed of the possibility of these rednecks going overseas and meeting with Sarkozy or some other multi-lingual, cosmopolitan leader.

You are dumbfounded that we still read Marx and think that Che Guevara had some real good ideas.

You find our moral and cultural relativism abhorrent and anathema to Winthrop’s idea of our nation as a “shining city on a hill.” You hate me because I use the words “abhorrent” and “anathema,” and because I know who Winthrop is.

After eight years of nonsense and lies and abysmal approval ratings for the incumbent, if we can’t capture the White House then we ought to throw in the towel. At that point I will join educated Reps with a wink and a nod at the door of the secret club and join in the fleecing of white trash America.

Don’t want to pay taxes? Fine, don’t. I will send my kids to private school while your public ones crumble around you.

Fuel prices are high and progressive Dem solutions for fixing it will take time and be painful, but the Rep option of “drill, baby, drill” just delays the pain while simultaneously filling their pockets and the pockets of their friends with more profits. It won’t help you. But have higher gas prices changed my habits? No. I couldn’t care less, really. It doesn’t cost much to power my 4-cylinder car or heat my small apartment. You just lost 40% of the value of your stupid SUV in less than a month and are taking a Stay-cation this year. More like a Gay-cation. I went to Europe. Seriously. But hey, at least your VP believes in creationism and infuses her military strategies with messianic visions of righteousness. That should feed and clothe your family.

Maybe it is time I start following my own advice, and vote my interests.

Are you clapping? I am.

I Am Beat

Rough day at work. Physically ill. Challenging children. Missing the Man.

This made me laugh.



So I thought I'd share.

Finally, An Evangelical I Can Get Behind

...from the No Sin Zone

While John McCain may be rethinking his lackadaisical decision to outsource the vetting of Sarah Palin to the more curious American press, I’ve really enjoyed watching all these surprising layers peel off of the panglossian pioneer we were introduced to only last week. Looking a bit like one of those stock and staid librarians in movies, the one who is only moments away from removing her glasses and liberating a thick, lustrous mane of hair with a seductive snap of the neck while stripper music trumpets on the surround-sound, Palin exudes a sense that she is always about to reveal something unexpected before our startled eyes. And the really fun part: I have a hunch she’ll only know what that something is moments before we do. But, of course, weeks before John McCain will.

What I have enjoyed witnessing to a far lesser degree has been my fellow evangelical Republicans’ response to Palin’s energetic striptease of embarrassing information. It seems that the very idea of Dick Cheney’s office being redecorated with moose throws and baby seal pelt doilies by a ferociously ambitious MILF from Alaska has rendered a group of professional faultfinders and scolds mawkishly carefree, giddy in their eagerness to forgive. With a mix of opportunism and testosterone, habitual chiders like James Dobson are swooning over Palin, light-headedly jostling to anoint and absolve. The GOP's rehabilitation of poor, maligned Murphy Brown has been as blithe as it has been sudden.

Yes, in many ways Sarah is our kind of gal. Her first priority when she began her contentious reign as the amusingly vindictive mayor of a small, snowy town? Try to ban books at the local library that contained the type of naughty words that so rudely besmirch the English language’s great literature! And, yes, Palin embraces the God of our President and Party, a God who is more likely to fritter away His day romantically daydreaming about a $30 billion gas pipeline than plucking a victim of one of His hurricanes out of a capsized canoe.

But it is not this shared (and profitable) vision of a mercantile God that has evangelicals verbally petting Palin like a pack of Emo youths whose ecstasy has just kicked in. No, their ardor springs solely from a rather discrete source revealed rather indiscreetly: She’s fixated on bringing every embryo she comes near to term. And she has created an “abstinence only from condoms” family that recklessly makes it its mission to ensure that there will be plenty of them, wanted or, as in the case of the last two, not.

Apparently, according to many of my fellow evangelicals, Palin could hold up a liquor store naked on a meth-binge just as long as she and her underage daughter keep pushing out the young’uns! According to Dobson, “The media are already trying to spin this as evidence Gov. Palin is a 'hypocrite,' but all it really means is that she and her family are human."

But perhaps the biggest hypocrite in this story is Dobson. Is he now casting the issues of unwed pregnancy and teenage sex as inconsequential trifles, to be carelessly thrown under John McCain's Straight Jacket Express? After all, he has quickly scolded unwed mothers in the past, showing a far less happy-go-lucky, “stuff happens” insouciance to “values.” [And speaking of scolding unwed teenage mothers: What, exactly, is the holdup on setting a date, Bristol, dear? Is it a busy-as-bee caterer – or an election, after which the boyfriend who doesn’t want kids can go back to college?]

Imagine the horror and tut-tutting if Barack Obama had a pregnant daughter (well, that and the probable interest by the New England Journal of Medicine). Do you think Dobson would fawn over the news – perhaps, encourage Miss Obama to have a few more? Probably not. Remember how he famously lit into Mary Cheney for having a child without being married to a man? Now, wait. Does that mean that this isn’t partisan pandering after all, just saying whatever claptrap is needed to get a Republican to pick some more wild-about-fetuses Supreme Court justices? Oh, how foolish! What was I thinking? Mary, while a Republican, is, moreover, a homo. And, in evangelical circles, being a homosexual is about the only thing as potent as being pro-fetus: The former condemns with the ease the latter absolves.

So close to Jesus, I know which appliance Bristol will name her child after,
Mrs. Betty Bowers
America's Best Christian

I'm still laughing. Now go in peace. To love and serve the Lord.

The Glare of the Spotlight Blocks Out Too Much

Someone once said that putting children on television or in movies is glorified child abuse. I tend to agree. Adults have a hard time dealing with the kind of adulation and scrutiny that comes with such exposure. What makes us think children can handle it any better?

When my twin sons were babies, their uncle worked as an editor at a national tv shopping network. A producer walked by his desk and noticed their pictures. The producer suggested that photographs of my children could be used in the background to sell all kinds of products for babies.

"Just pictures," the producer said. "No pressure. It could pay their way through college."

Isn't that their parents' job? We politely declined. Perhaps it was an overreaction, but I didn't want to take any chances. Who needs a male version of Mary-Kate and Ashley in the family? We've been through enough.

I have the same reaction when I see children on television for spelling bee contests and little league games. My heart breaks for them and the pressure they are under. Why do parents allow it? Why do they let their kids expose everything on myspace and other websites? And now both ESPN and Sports Illustrated are covering high school football games. Why?

Does anyone remember how challenging childhood can be? I talk to adults all the time who are thankful no one had digital cameras and the Internet when they were kids. I'm also glad no one was televising school functions in 1987. I'd never live it down.

People say that high school games are real and raw, devoid of the posturing that professional sports brings.

That's because the spotlight is elsewhere. Once these kids start dealing with national attention and scrutiny, that innocence will be gone. When the cameras arrive, the fun disappears. There's enough time for sponsors and commercialism and unnecessary pressure and fan clubs later in life. Let the children have a youth free from such grown-up pressures.

If you want to support the young athletes in your town, turn off the television and head out to a game. Our kids deserve a few more years without the glare.

The Boobie Brigade Has Their Orders

I do believe that our favorite MILF from Alaska is doing herself in quickly with little or no help from anyone else.

However, the Democratic nominee is taking no chances.

Obama is sending his strongest female soldiers throughout the country, hoping to counter the whole Palin issue. If you're a national figure in the Party and happen to have a uterus, get out there and hustle votes, b*tch!

And so Hillary is coming to Tampa.

Jeez. Why Would Anyone Run for Public Office?

Maybe Sarah Palin had an affair with her husband's business partner.

Who cares?

Then the Other Man files an emergency motion to get his divorce records sealed.

Public service not only hurts you and the ones you love, but the ones you had hot sex with a few times, too.

h/t John (who would never disclose the nature of our relationship even if I got tapped to run as someone's hot VP choice)

(I know. I just said *tapped.*)

You All Know What I Think About Jews for Jesus...

They're as bad, if not worse, than all the other "Fill in the blanks" for Jesus. But mostly worse because JfJ are disingenuous. And they might also be buddies with Sarah Palin.

The executive director of Jews for Jesus was a speaker at Palin's church. His name is David Brickner. He's a bit of a douche.

Brickner also described terrorist attacks on Israelis as God's "judgment of unbelief" of Jews who haven't embraced Christianity.

"Judgment is very real and we see it played out on the pages of the newspapers and on the television. It's very real. When [Brickner's son] was in Jerusalem he was there to witness some of that judgment, some of that conflict, when a Palestinian from East Jerusalem took a bulldozer and went plowing through a score of cars, killing numbers of people. Judgment — you can't miss it."

I wouldn't mind if he criticized Israeli *policies* and said destructive agendas were partly to blame for terrorism in general. But instead he went after our belief system as a whole.

Told you. A douche.

In addition to blaming Jews for terrorism, he also said that Jews who haven't embraced Christianity don't understand what it is they're rejecting.

I love it when people subscribe to an ideology so completely that they can only dismiss those who don't as "ignorant." Can't be any other way, right? Because if they did get it, they'd agree with you, David. Sure.

But you know those Bubbies in Boca are freakin' right about now.

"Do we go with the Muslim or the Shiksa?"

Oy.

h/t Ben

Noonan and Murphy Let Their True Feelings Out

When the cameras aren't pointed at them.

Transcript:

Mike Murphy, former McCain advisor: You know, because I come out of the blue swing state governor work. Engler, Whitman, Thompson, Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush. And these guys, this is all like how you want to (inaudible) this race. You know, just run it up. And it's not gonna work.

Peggy Noonan, former Reagan speechwriter: It's over.

Murphy: Still, McCain can give a version of the Lieberman speech to do himself some good.

NBC's Chuck Todd: Don't you think the Palin pick was insulting to Kay Bailey Hutchinson, too (inaudible)

Noonan: I saw Kay this morning.

Murphy: They're all bummed out.

Todd: I mean, is she really the most qualified woman they could have turned to?

Noonan: The most qualified? No. I think they went for this, excuse me, political [B.S.] about narratives and (inaudible) the picture.

Murphy: I totally agree.

Noonan: Every time the Republicans do that because that's not where they live and it's not what they're good at and they blow it.

Murphy: You know what's really the worst thing about it? The greatness of McCain is no cynicism and this is cynical.

Todd: And as you called it, gimmicky.

Wonder if they've changed their tune this morning?

Get Off Sarah Palin

The Governor of Alaska is takin' a whole lot of sh*t over her seventeen year-old daughter getting knocked up. Judgmental fuddyduddies are up in arms saying that if she can't run her family, how is she gonna help run the government?

I listened to these people unload their nonsense on NPR as I drove home from work yesterday. Oooh, my long legs are sore after five hours in stilettos. (That's right. Five. I have the best job ever.) Anyway, listen for yourself.

Talk about elitist. My favorite is the woman who admittedly gave birth too young and is now a grandmother at 48, but thinks Palin is a disgrace "in this day and age."

It isn't like Bristol Palin pulled out a gun and shot up a school. She had unprotected sex and got pregnant. The fact that she is keeping the baby and getting married is in line with her value system. I'm pro-choice across the board and quite okay with her decision because, oh I don't know, because it's *none of my business.*

This should not be held up as proof there exists some sort of character flaw or bad parenting pattern. Unprotected sex happens and statistically you usually walk away with either a disease, a fetus, or low self-esteem. One is just as bad as the other as far as I'm concerned.

Which is why I just say no.

And the fact that her husband got a DUI twenty-some-odd years ago shouldn't matter either. There but for the grace of God... Weren't we all young once and making stupid choices we'd have to live with for the rest of our lives? What makes us think the Palins should be so different?

And who cares about fishing licenses, people? There are plenty of important problems that middle-class families everywhere are struggling to overcome. I can give you reasons to dislike the McCain/Palin ticket. Don't pick minutia that demeans us all.

In other words, these are mistakes that anyone could make. These are mistakes that normal people make. Stop demanding perfection from our elected leaders. Or their children.

Most conservatives don't believe these are issues either. The difference between me and them is that they'd be raising holy hell if this happened to a politician on the left. They'd be griping about family values and waving their Bibles in the air before going home to their meth-addicted wives and underage chat rooms.

I'm saying lay off Sarah Palin's personal problems even though I think her politics suck.

Which makes me better than all y'all. Per usual.

Chapter 10

For those of you hanging in there...

There Goes the Neighborhood

My boys got into their first fight. You are probably wondering, "How did this happen? They go to a nice private school with well-behaved Jewish children."

I know. But we live with my parents in Lutz among houses built in the Seventies and attitudes cultivated in the Fifties. Men still believe communism is a major threat to world peace. They walk around drinking Brandy Alexanders and talk about their lawns. Women in the neighborhood wear aprons, walk their kids to the bus stop, and discuss ways to marinate whatever dead animals they have in the "frigidaire." The girls all play with dolls and the boys double dog dare each other into spitting contests for baseball cards.

In this type of environment, a good old-fashioned ass whipping was bound to happen. I suppose on some level, as long as my children aren't left with lasting physical or emotional scars, I'm okay with the lessons they are learning on their grandparents' front lawn.

Two scrappy Irish kids live next door - we'll call them Patrick and Sean. They have been playing with my children for years. Patrick is older, around eleven or twelve. Sean is, like my boys, between 8 and 9. Sometimes they all play with lightsabers and other neighborhood kids join in for major galactic battles between good and evil. These lightsabers are made with sticks and tinfoil and have been certified "crazy insane" by the Consumer Products Safety Commission.

From time to time, lightsabers and attitudes can get out of hand. The other day, Patrick's lightsaber hit Youngest in the ear.

"Hey," Youngest said, rubbing the side of his head. "That's against the rules."

Apparently, there are rules. You are allowed to hit someone in the legs and torso area. Someone takes out a testicle? Handle it. Anything above the neck? Off limits. On this particular morning, Patrick didn't much care for the rules.

"What are you going to do about it?" Patrick asked.

Just a few feet away, Oldest bravely defended a rebel fleet from Sean, the imperial stormtrooper. They seemed to catch on to the ensuing drama between their brothers and started playing with just a tad more hostility than usual. Ooops, Sean's lightsaber hit Oldest in the head.

"Hey," Oldest said, "you're not fighting fair and I'm uncomfortable with that."

Right hand to God, those were the kid's exact words. As if logic and good communication works with neighbors who play outside without shirts on. Sean threw down his weapon and said, "Put 'em up."

Where was I during this event? It's no secret that a modern liberal feminist such as myself is a bit out of place in beautiful downtown Lutz. Most mornings, I'm inside biting my nails and wondering why I'm not in a northeastern city or a nice commune somewhere. I tried to intervene, but my husband and dad insisted our precious boys handle it themselves.

"We're not a pascifists, Katie," Husband said.

"Fine," I snapped. "But if someone pokes an eye out, I'll sue."

Oldest backed into the garage and tried to run inside. Husband poked his head out the side door and said, "Defend yourself, son." Another moment later, Youngest tried to sneak away as well. "Don't leave your brother's side," Husband told him at the front door.

"They're trying to get out of it," I said. "Nonviolent resistance."

"Not on my watch," Husband and Dad said.

Oldest and Youngest had no choice really. They balled up their fists and started swinging. The fistfight ended in a matter of seconds. Sean got clocked in the mouth and Patrick aimed too high, spun around, and Youngest nabbed him in the back of the head.

Both ran home crying and vowing revenge.

Oldest and Youngest came inside, shook up and teary-eyed, but triumphant nonetheless. Husband told them they better never go looking for a fight, but shouldn't be afraid to defend themselves. I put ice on sore knuckles and bruised ears, comforted that my growing boys still needed hugs and kisses from Momma after their first major rumble.

I came home from grocery shopping the next day and found all four boys in the pool while Husband fired up the grill and Dad tended to the lawn. I shrugged my shoulders, put on an apron, and got out the Brandy.

When in Lutz, after all...