3 The Hard Way

This week, Stephanie's murderer is being tried for the third time. Cathy testified today. Again. The trial is expected to end Thursday and the penalty phase should be Monday. Steph's mom had this to say:

"I just don't want to deal with him anymore," Witmer said. "I don't want to see
him. I don't want to deal with his existence and once he's gone that will be it
for me."

Once and for all.

Sharp Cheddar. My Rhymes are Better.

Here are my opinions and/or recommendations regarding this year's ballot. For any and all interested parties. (Read: my mom and Beth)

US Senator: Bill Nelson
Let's forget for a moment that his opponent, Katherine Harris, is corrupt and insane. Senator Nelson works well with Republicans - a must for any politician in Florida and the main reason I could never run for office. He also fought to stop off-shore oil drilling and protect our coasts. Senator Nelson supports public schools. Did I mention his opponent is corrupt and insane?

US Representative: John Russell
We need new ideas and a fresh voice in Washington. Iraq war, anyone? In the real world, people know we must bring our soldiers home. In DC, they are convinced we're winning. Ginny Brown-Waite is an embarrassment so let's bring her home first.

Governor and Lt. Governor: Jim Davis and Daryl Jones
Read my reasoning here, here, and here. This your first day?

Attorney General: Walter "Skip" Campbell
Campbell's opponent pushed for Bill Clinton's impeachment. Therefore he has earned my eternal scorn. Campbell is pro-death penalty and fought unconstitutional measures to prolong Terri Schiavo's suffering.

CFO: Alex Sink
Her opponent is the outgoing Senate president who has failing schools and high homeowner's insurance on his list of accomplishments. As a female Democrat, Alex would bring diversity to Tallahassee. Her financial background and attention to fiscal responsibility would only benefit our state.

Commissioner of Agriculture: Eric Copeland
Cause I said so.

State Senator (District 12): Victor Crist
You heard me. Bobby, C, Adam's Professor - you all may commence with mad love letters as I am endorsing a Republican. Not a huge fan of any Crist on the ballot; however, Victor's opponent is too conservative, even by Florida's standards.

State Representative (District 61): Donovan Brown
This is a tough one. Brown's opponent isn't even his opponent anymore. And Brown is a bit unhinged, even by Florida's standards. Vote at your own risk.

Board of County Commissioners: Michael Cox
Cox's opponent surfed the Internet during meetings. That's dismissive, even by Pasco County's standards. This area has grown too much too soon. We don't have enough roads or classroom space. Say it like you mean it: Vote for Cox.

Vote to retain every Justice of the Supreme Court because they are our only hope against a dangerous, right-wing legislature. Justices Lewis, Pariente, and Quince stopped unconstitutional measures to prolong Terri Schiavo's suffering and stopped the school voucher program Bush tried to muscle in. Reward them with retention.

Vote to retain every Judge for the District Court of Appeals as well. They are an important check on the unrestrained power of right-wing fundies in Tally.

Circuit Judge, 6th Circuit, Group 9: Christine "Chris" Helinger

Circuit Judge, 6th Circuit, Group 32: Pat Siracusa
Pat has a ton of experience, does pro bono work, and clearly articulates his views.

County Judge, Group 6: Anne Wansboro
Anne has good character and strong work ethic. Her sound morals and values will serve us well.

County Judge, Group 7: Candy VanDercar
A lifetime of experience outside the courtroom as well as inside makes Candy an asset to our judicial system.

School Board Member, District 1: Allen Altman
Cause why not?

School Board Member, District 3: Cathi Martin
She is a veteran on a board with many new members. We need her experience and leadership.

Mosquito Control Commissioner, Seat 2: Rosemary J. Mastrocolo
I don't know anything about most of the people who want to rid Pasco County of our mosquito problem. John J. Ubele is a white separatist - so he's off the Holiday Card list. Rosemary has already served as commissioner so I'm going to vote that she continues in her post.

Amendment 1: Yes
We need Tallahassee to get with the program and learn fiscal responsibility. Yes it would add another government program; however, it would fix a host of problems.

Amendment 3: No
I've said it before - power to the people. Businesses behind this amendment give me pause to consider why they want this passed so badly. It's important that the amendment process remain an option when Tallahassee turns its back.

Amendment 4: Yes
The legislature was supposed to allocate funds from tobacco settlements to education and prevention. Instead they sent the money elsewhere. Let's put the money back where it belongs.

Amendment 6: Yes
Our neediest citizens, the elderly, deserve a tax break. So do others, yet this is a positive first step. I love when Repubs speak out against this one - they love tax breaks for the wealthy but want to reject a break for anyone else. So Christlike, those conservatives.

Amendment 7: Yes
You can tell who really supports our troops by whether or not they support giving disabled veterans a discount on the Homestead Ad Valorem tax. Those who slap a yellow ribbon on their truck but reject this amendment are really just pro-war and a Bush apologist. The rest of us rock.

Amendment 8: No
Unnecessary.

County - Whether the superintendent should be appointed instead of elected: No
There's high satisfaction rate with teachers in Pasco County. If it ain't broke, trust the voters.

And in Hillsborough County - for the straw poll - Should law enforcement spend more time investigating adult businesses? No
It takes valuable time away from important matters like rape and murder. Not to mention the fact that one of these days, I'm going to get around to visiting a strip club and an arrest would stomp on my buzz.

Dropping Names

Last Thursday, on a beautiful tree-lined street in South Tampa, gracious hosts opened their home to political activists, generous benefactors, and concerned citizens, hoping to raise money for Jim Davis.



A lively and entertaining party ensued.

Upon entrance and after the obligatory campaign contribution, I wandered through a maze of hardwood floors and expensive, imported, barely-used furniture to the back yard. There, suits and bronzed beauties mingled, filling the evening air with competing fragrances and lofty talk about improving education. Such talk inevitably leads to “UF rules, FSU drools”, but whatever. Those Gator grads, they can’t help themselves.

I felt at home among Tampa’s elite – even though we have little in common. I can’t even pretend to understand stock options or the current crisis with “the country club.” Still, they were friendly and encouraged me to talk about teaching, writing, and the changes we must demand from our government leaders. Speaking of leaders, I bumped into Senator Nelson on my way to the bar. “Hi there, pardon me,” I said. Wine to be had and all.

Some regular folks showed up. Tommy and his lovely wife joined the fun, finally giving in to my weekly invitations. I also talked to a Pinellas County teacher and a woman from Boston who still hopes John Kerry will become President one day. I talked to everyone, but mostly stayed glued to Reggie’s side. He's Jim's right-hand man and has a smile that lights up even the grumpiest campaigner.



Reggie always has a funny story and insight into current events. I like him. He doesn’t mind that I giggle and hang on his every word.

Jim arrived with Peggy and Sam Gibbons and talked about his hope for a better Florida. Afterwards Jim worked the crowd and took requests for action with a sincere nod and expert listening skills honed after years of public service. He hears everyone and forgoes valuable sleeping time to research and get to the bottom of every important issue. That’s his job, after all. Public service at its best.



As the night wore on, an open bar loosened lips and inhibitions. Tommy and Wifey left to get some food and I made the loud observation that, “These types of events never have anything more substantial than difficult-to-pronounce finger food because, in South Tampa, women aren’t allowed to gain a pound past what they weighed at eighteen. The next time we have one of these in Pasco County, I’ll call you. You like barbecue, right?”

I met a few Republicans as well. They love to out themselves as some kind of proof that a conservative isn’t always closed off to progressive candidates. One such gentleman with a flawless smile and Armani suit insisted we continue our discussion over dinner. A pretty boy who votes Republican? That’s my best friend’s man, not mine. However, I enjoyed hearing his thoughts about how to stop off-shore oil drilling (he doesn’t want to see oil rigs from his bedroom window).

“Would you like to see the view from my bedroom window?”

Oh sure! I took his card and promised to call because after a glass of wine – why not? He liked my legs after all. Where's the harm?

Wait. We were talking about Jim Davis. Right.

The man of the hour and I connected toward the end of the evening. His first question is always, “How are the boys?” Like my mom.

"Doing fine," I said.

“I know you don’t want to be in Tampa, with your husband in Colorado, but I’m glad you’re here.”

I smiled and squeezed Reggie’s biceps once more before saying goodbye and heading home. Eight more days to go.

Sometimes Hard-Boiled, Sometimes Runny

My brother and sister-in-law are in town and wanted to take the boys to a movie.

"Keep them as long as you like," I said before leaving skid marks out of the driveway. "So long, suckers!"

Nightmare Before Christmas was great, kids had a ball, my brother and I are still on speaking terms. Seems they all made the movie in time for previews. (I am always late. Haven't seen a preview in years.) One stood out above all the rest.

Watch and then ponder it: If you were a six year-old boy, which line would you laugh hardest over? Which line would make such an impression you'd feel the need to repeat it often, like every five minutes, the rest of the weekend? Over and over and over again? Until mommy needed heavy sedation?

One guess. Make it a good one.

We're Gonna Bring You Up to Speed

Florida voters are grumpy. A new poll shows that even Republicans are in a bad mood. I met a few conservatives last week who seemed more than happy with Jim and my legs. But more on that later.

The St. Petersburg Times reports that most Floridians are "ready for change."

I remember feeling that way two years ago, but whatever. Welcome to the party, folks!

Speaking of parties, from the Pasco Dems:

Monday, October 30 - 6:30pm Pasco Democrats Campaign Headquarters
4927 SR54
New Port Richey, FL
map
Join the Pasco Democrats this Monday to watch the
final Gubernatorial Debate!
Party starts at 6:30pm - Debate starts at 7:00
We will join Jim Davis for a special conference call at 8:15!

And in other news, Skippy is skipping ahead. Good times.

Sure Shot

Is Charlie Crist gay? I don't know. Does it matter? Yes.

More than a few gay people keep their homosexuality a secret. Perhaps they're afraid of alienating friends and family or justifiably concerned about losing a job. I'm sure several poor queer souls hate themselves and decide to deny, deny, deny.

Whatever the reason, I feel for them. I can't imagine how exhausting living a lie must be - emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

When such a person is in public service, however, his or her sexual orientation is not personal or private information. Constituents deserve the truth about who their reps are and a certain amount of privacy is forfeited the moment one runs for elected office.

The liberal in me wishes all gay people would feel comfortable enough to live an honest life. For their sake more than anything. And when such peeps are gay Republicans - even more so should they come out proudly. When closed-minded right-wing Christian whack jobs are confronted with the fact that gay people are everywhere - only then will they realize we are all connected and part of the same human family. Either they learn to accept that which they don't understand or Repubs should banish such haters to the outskirts of the political process in much the same way communists and white separatists are banished as well.

Gay Republicans who consistently vote anti-gay cannot be tolerated. Gay Republicans who pander to their party's worst elements and reject the notion that same-sex couples should be given the same benefits and rights as straight couples should be voted out of office. Gay Republicans who deny gay couples the right to adopt unwanted children and offer them a loving home should be thrown out on their humpin'-and-bumpin' asses. Either come out and serve the public honestly or stay home and run back into that closet.

This sh*t is ridiculous. And I'd like some answers.

Egg Man

What do the following pictures have in common?

I'm not sure about the first two, but the last one's eyes follow you while walking through downtown Tampa. Look closely. Course, it helps if you have a hot ass and wear tight pants.

What the Helen of Troy is That?

I'm walking into work and notice this decal on the back bumper of an SUV...


Maybe I'm old school, but I prefer the fish outlines. Perhaps a friendly, "Beam me up, Lord." Ahh, those were the good old days.

So Sick and Evil

Yesterday Danny Rolling became the 63rd inmate to die since the death penalty was resumed here in Florida in 1979.

How about we make this guy number 64?

Jury selection begins, for the third time, on my birthday, November 10th, over 20 years after Stephanie's murder. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: The trial begins this week and should be wrapped up by Thursday, November 2nd.

Flippin and Floppin Just Like a Flounder

Jim clearly won the debate last night. He put forth a great vision for Florida that includes everyone, especially those forgotten by our current administration. Highlights from the debate:

- Increasing teacher's salaries by $4000
- Reducing homeowner's insurance by 40%
- Reducing property taxes by $1 billion

Jim Davis presented real plans that will help real people right away. Charlie "Stay the Course" Crist offered empty slogans and more of the same. I sat there watching him say nothing at all - just sound bites - and wondered why anyone would nominate such an empty suit in the first place. From the Florida Dems:

Charlie Crist...continued to waffle through the issues, sadly trying to dance around the numerous positions he's taken on every issue of concern to Floridians across the state.

Which of his waffles is the hardest to swallow?


Vote for your favorite here. And don't forget to vote for Jim Davis for governor. Thanks for your support!

To Tell the Truth I Am Exactly What I Want to Be

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. - Desiderata

What do you do?

This popular question is often asked at social gatherings along with "Nice to meet you" and "Come here often?" Most have a quick answer ready: at-home mom, IT support, political whore. Really, such titles barely scratch the surface.

What do you do?

Think about how you would describe your life's passion or, at the very least, the way you earn a living. Not what you'd tell your boss or the committee in charge of your high school reunion. How would you describe your career to impressionable students and a grateful teacher? Most educators know about the real world through experience, training, or stories related by others and we talk to students about the skills and qualities needed to succeed in such a world. However, those out there on the front lines can help us stay updated and relevant.

Such an idea inspired The Great American Teach-In. On November 15th in Hillsborough County, professionals come into our schools and share with us their lives. Doesn't matter if you work in an office building or a loading dock. Think back to when you were a young child or restless teenager - what do you know now that you wish you knew then? We cram a lot of knowledge into twelve years of schooling. Be honest -

Is it necessary to memorize the quadratic formula?
Will jingoism ever come up during a business meeting?
How did experiences in a high school cafeteria prepare you for the military?
Do you work harder today because you slept through sixth grade?
Can the answers to life be found on a high school football field or elementary playground?

These are lessons that our students need to learn before they graduate and arrive in your lobby looking for a job. Contact a neighborhood school and volunteer to enlighten us for The Great American Teach-In.

What do you do?

A classroom of kids is waiting. Come tell them.

What's the Time?

Early voting begins today and the debate is Tuesday night. Host a debate watch party or attend one in your area.

Check out Jim's new ad here.

Good news from the campaign:

An independent poll from Quinnipiac University this morning
shows Jim Davis and Charlie Crist are tied in the gubernatorial race. Although
he trailed by 10 points two weeks ago, Jim has now closed the gap to a
statistical tie and has the momentum. The race has moved from 53-43 to 46-44
today. According to Quinnipiac University, Jim's strong movement in the poll is
"almost all because of a 21-point shift to Rep. Davis among independent voters
who went from 50 – 43 percent for Crist to 50 - 36 percent for Davis."

As Republican scandals multiply, people all over Florida are growing weary of excuses. Two races are tighter than expected and Democrats are poised to win big.

Two weeks to go, b*tches!

Cause Stress is for Kids

This past Friday, on the way home from school, my kids and I went grocery shopping and picked up Chinese food for dinner. (We live in Wesley Chapel, so the trip took two and a half hours.) As we were about to eat, I got a phone call. Left my wallet in the restaurant along with our chopsticks.

Drove back to retrieve the overused debit cards, worn pictures and three ignored dollar bills all encased in an old, red wallet I snagged on Canal Street five years ago for five bucks. Another forty-five minutes in traffic. My meltdown occurred somewhere around the twenty-seven minute mark.

My week always starts off strong, but by Friday I’m a mess. Partly because I miss my husband. Partly because my children are driving me insane.

I unloaded on the phone with my own mom about the toll motherhood can take on an otherwise sound thirty-six year old woman. Mine are lovely kids: warm, sensitive, smart and so very sweet. They are also strong-willed, opinionated, and argumentative. This typical conversation would try the patience of a saint:

“Mommy, would you get my folder out of my backpack?”
“I can’t sweetie; I have to pay attention to traffic.”
“What traffic? There’s no one in front of you.”
“Well, all around me -”
“I don’t see any traffic. Please?”

Then my youngest joins in.

“Stop arguing with Mommy. I can’t hear this song.”
“You’re not the boss of me.”
“Boys…”
“I just want to see my backpack for a second.”
“And I just want to hear my favorite song. You’re not being nice!”
“You’re hurting my feelings!”
“Keep your hands to yourselves, boys!”
“I can’t hear my song!”

Have I mentioned I’m not a saint? Not by a long shot?

Mom wondered aloud why my children are testing me on a daily basis. Why they’ve come to sigh and say, “Whatever.” Why my angels have turned into creatures who want to know consequences before they’ll abide by our rules. There have been times when I’ve caught myself almost saying, “Now I’m upset. Are you happy?” A refrain I heard many times myself as a child.

Then it occurred to me.

For better or worse, these boys have a mother who gets them. I don’t have to ask why and know better than to ask, “Are you happy now?” They’re not happy when others get frustrated. They feel compelled to protest, compelled to argue. They can’t help themselves. What they want, more than anything, is to be heard. To be understood.

“I’m just sad for them sometimes,” I concluded. “Cause life ain’t easy with such a complicated personality.”

“It’s frustrating, honey,” she said. “But keep in mind those boys have a lot of their father in them.”

Here it comes.

“And they’re not nearly as bad as you were.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“As a four year old, you stood in an icy shower, up north where it’s cold, and folded your arms to show such a punishment didn’t bother you. At five, you’d scream until every blood vessel broke and sometimes blood would come out of your eyes. Consequences didn’t work because you’d take them, no matter how bad, just to show you couldn’t be forced to do anything. We brought you to that social worker and after ten minutes, she was convinced you were an angel and we were the ones with the problem. You said, ‘It’s all in the way you spin it.’ You were in fifth grade, Catherine.”

“Okay, enough. You’re blaming the victim.”

Can’t wait to see what this week brings.

Oh Contrary

Comments muttered while perusing the latest issue of Esquire:

• Scarlett Johansson? Seriously?
• Derek Jeter's dead! Oh wait...put away the champagne...
• Wow, my sister went to high school with Liz Vassey. She looks different now.
• Hmmm, in the restaurant section, they review that diner at the bottom of Becky and David's mountain. I'd like to go eat macs-n-cheese in that joint during winter break.
• Look at all these hot women. I hate this magazine.
• Esquire endorsed Jim Davis, Kathy Castor and Phyllis Busansky. I like this magazine after all.

To All the Mothers and the Sisters and the Wives and Friends

I'm part of the problem. No secret.

I rant and rave to female students about the importance of education. I encourage them to focus on wit rather than waist line, intelligence instead of beauty. Forget how magazines define fabulous, I tell them, cultivate a personality and the rest will take care of itself.

"Smart, kind, funny...those are gorgeous traits. Inside and out."

Come on, the idea of a flawless female is a marketing ploy. Right? Of course, right.

For years, I boycotted makeup and doused myself in patchouli oil. I wore oversized t-shirts ("Ummm...Katie...you wear that so often it could walk by itself.") and refused to comb my hair. I knew I wasn't pretty so I made damn sure I was the funniest girl in the room - happy to repel and glorify the state of loneliness. Scared away every man except the one who saw through my bullsh*t. He didn't care that I smelled like hemp and needed a shower.



Well, maybe he did. But he loved me anyway.

I became smart and funny and kind. Now what?

Now I have my hair styled professionally (enough with the jokes) and shop at Banana Republic and Frederick's. I take my time and try to look good every day. I put patchouli away and wear Pleasures instead. There's never a reason not to exercise.

Yesterday, I spent an hour enduring a Brazilian wax.

Can't wait until June when Dr. Berger cuts me open and returns my body to its former glory.

I've asked you to donate money and look at my breasts.

And so it occurred to me that I'm part of the problem. No secret.

h/t to Dalia

We Need a Bit More Gun Controllin'

Attention Fellow Teachers: Apparently those old, thick textbooks you've got lying around are good for more than just book learnin'. They can be effective shields as well. Kinda like Wonder Woman's bracelets.

Or something.

h/t to quaker

I'm Sick of Complaining

Buying clothes for my children is frustrating. Stain and wrinkle-resistant pants and shorts are everywhere and I'm alarmed at the lack of alternatives.

Right. I'm one of those parents.

I serve healthy organic food, sing John Lennon lullabies, restrict television use, and play newspaper games with my kids called "Let's Find the Bad Republican." I'd love to wrap them in hemp bags, but school uniforms are the way to roll right now. Fine. Just keep carcinogens out of the fabric.

Clothing for kids should not be coated in chemicals. Please contact Target or The Children's Place and demand that healthier options be offered as well.

Better safe than sorry.

My Intention is to Bust a Move

Jim Davis is gaining in the polls.

Skip Campbell has a new television ad.

I can't believe anyone would vote for Crist based on his asinine scheme to lower property taxes. Ain't gonna happen, folks!

Trust the voters and vote no on Amendment 3!

Phyllis Busansky has been endorsed by the St. Pete Times and the Tampa Tribune.

From Pasco County Dems:

As we get closer to early voting (beginning October 23 - click here for locations and hours), OUR CANDIDATES NEED YOUR HELP! Please call to volunteer at one of the Pasco Democratic Candidate Campaign Headquarters - This is the year we make a difference!

1. Pasco DEC Campaign HQ: (727) 844-3367 - 4927 SR54, New Port Richey - (This location is used for all State House candidate outreach as well - Carl Zimmermann, Glenn Claytor and Chris Hrabovsky)

2. Jim Davis Pasco HQ, (813) 849-3365, K&B Travel, Zephyrhills - email: Elizabeth Lucas

3. Phyllis Busansky Campaign (located at Pasco DEC Campaign HQ), 813 458-7082 - email: Kevin Cate

4. John Russell Pasco HQ, (352) 567-1618, East Pasco - Blanton Area - email: John Russell

5. Stephen Gorham Campaign HQ, (813) 205- 6991, Wells Road, New Port Richey - email: Cory Caswell

Not a Divorcee

I love my male friends. Especially the ones married to my female friends. One such stud sent me this bit of IT humor.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

This would have been MY REPLY.

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about with their d*ck in one hand and remote control in the other.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 without reading the manual because hey - that's the philosophy that got them through high school. Wake up, Scooter! Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING because you can't find coffee filters when they're right in front of you!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0 in much the same way your bald spot is irreversible. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed, because you had to insist on "No condoms anymore - I wanna feel you." So blame yourself and rub her belly.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 has clipped your nose hairs and cleaned your dirty underwear. The mystery is gone. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. Like how about chewing with your mouth closed? I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation because you ran out of logic years ago.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. It'd help if you turned off the game first. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as The Air Filter Isn't Going to Change Itself 3.0, Pick Up Your F*CKING Clothes 2.5 and Do Me Without Watching TV At the Same Time 1.0.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program I'll Go Get Mine 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! Just use your own credit card.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application will simply kickstart the dormant How I Found a Hot Man Who Listens 5.6.

Best of luck and get your hand out of your pants,
Tech Support

New York, New York - It's a Hell of a Town

My best friend married up. Way up.

When they got married over a year ago, I traveled to New York and stood as matron of honor. Loitered in her man's deluxe apartment in the sky (a nice compliment to his home in the Hamptons and that shack in The Springs) above the city and pretended it wasn't the life. Thank God we weren't all there last week.




Then I'd really have a reason to hate the Yankees.

Personally, I Wouldn't Want to Go Out Like That

Bob Lassiter’s blog scared the sh*t out of me.

Bob was an acerbic radio talk show host and for the past year has kept a blog about his struggle with cancer. Bob lost that struggle Friday morning.

I take my politics with a side of funny. Yelling at those who believe differently serves no purpose. Therefore, Lassiter’s radio program was a complete turn-off. He would scream at the same people who were screaming at me so I should have thanked him. Instead I felt sorry for him. Mad Dog seemed so unhappy.

Perhaps Lassiter was a joy to be around. I have no idea. From this listener’s standpoint, he appeared in constant crisis: spiritually, emotionally, and philosophically. I sent him happy thoughts and listened to WMNF instead.

When I heard he was dying, I read his blog and discovered the same tortured soul. Perhaps I don't understand the anger and bitterness of a life cut short; however, I’ve known people fighting cancer. Many had a certain kind of peaceful determination. A few even approached the end with humor and transcendental happiness.

Not Bob. He lashed out at others until the very end. Seriously? His last thoughts are a rant on the phonies of the world?

Perhaps we face death the way we face life. It certainly appears that way. Which means that dry skin and inappropriate humor will be with me until the end.

Bob Lassiter didn't want a visitation or memorial service. Funerals are for mourners; rituals to help those who hurt get through the heartbreak. For whatever reason, Bob has denied his loved ones the opportunity to formally gather and grieve.

I can’t pretend to understand why one makes choices that hurt not only others, but themselves as well. Praise Bob Lassiter for living and dying by his own rules. But, did his actions and beliefs contribute to his demise? Did they lead to peace and wisdom or hopelessness and despair?

To the people who share similar traits – crazy characters I love and worry about because they are angry at God, the world and everyone in it – I encourage you to read Blog Lassiter. Find a way to discover the beauty of life and the joy in people, even those who disagree with you.

Cause the end is coming. And it ain’t pretty.

It Takes Time to Build

Spreading more Jim Davis love...

Here is an article and here is a poll (to the right). Show some love yourself.

h/t to John and Hot Stuff

The Update

Saddest part of my Passion Party experience had to be the Sex Test. We gave ourselves points for each unique location we'd done the deed.

Pool.
Beach.
Table.
Extra points for breaking table.
Moving vehicle.

Moving vehicle? Depressed and despondent, I asked (a little too loudly), "What about oral?"

Arlene looked confused. I clarified.

"Does road head count?"

"We're going by Bill Clinton's definition of sex. No."

Fantastic. We kept going.

In someone else's house.
With your neighbor.
Deduct points if you ever did it in your child's room.

(Now that's disgustin'.)

Everyone added up their points and the average score was around 100. My new favorite co-worker scored an impressive 170. I know. God love her.

My score: 25

Impressive co-worker said, "Oh, Katie. That's so sad!" Even my sister sighed and mumbled, "Geez Kate, where's the wildest place you've done it - the foot of the bed?"

Laugh it up ladies. Husband will be back soon and I want a retake. I better hustle, too. Most unique answers to that question don't even involve airplane bathrooms anymore. So old school. My favorite: humpin-n-bumpin in the dessert room at Bern's.

Hmmm...I do like chocolate cake.

Just Turn Down the Lights So We Can Go Farther

“Yeah, when was the last time you f*ckin' saw a man’s penis? Can you remember for us? Who was president then? Can we get some clues? Were there cars yet or did you suck d*ck on horseback?”

My doorbell rang at six-thirty. I ran for the door, flung it open and gasped.

“Grandma?” I asked.

The woman looked like my fraternal great-grandmother. Who’s been dead for thirty-two years.

“Hi,” she said. “I’m Arlene*, your Passion Consultant.”

“No shit,” I said.



I threw a Passion Party this weekend and learned more than I could possibly list in one posting. For example, I learned it is slightly unsettling when an eighty-two year-old consultant discusses ways to suck him off. Thirteen women leaned forward with the same horrified expression.

"What did you say?"

Oh yeah. She repeated herself. And we still bought stuff. However, no one bought The Tongue.

Friend Sandy established herself early on as an expert when she announced that, in the course of a year, she'd broken three vibrators due to exuberant overuse. Sandy said The Tongue was no good. We all believed her.

One of my neighbors hosted a Partylite event last year and her hostess present was a candle. Looky what I got.

I found the instructions most helpful.

A silver bullet is fine for a woman's most sensitive inner region. However, keep it away from your legs.

I gotta go.

Cause I'm Out on a Mission

My boys and I walked the streets of Seminole Heights yesterday - spreading some Davis-Jones cheer. We talked to several people, including one Republican, and everybody pledged their support for Jim. Eager to express frustration over FCAT, property taxes and homeowner's insurance - these voters want someone to shake up the Tallahassee power structure and make life better for all Floridians.

No wonder they're behind Jim.

One such woman opened her door and my oldest remarked, "That's a messy house." I nudged him a little and the woman said, "He's allowed to tell the truth. That's what you're doing today. Right?"

I love my Dems. Messy or not.

Teacher Preaches Class

Yesterday was a "no-student day" in Hillsborough County. Students took the day off and teachers had to go learn themselves a thing or two.

I attended a training session at the Holocaust Museum in St. Petersburg with friends Chris and Kristina. Two words: free bagels. We listened to Elise and Andy from ADL, along with Noreen from the museum, share teaching techniques and fascinating curriculum guides. All good. Until the tour. At that point, Kristina shared with me a story about her thighs and the docent gave us attitude.

"If you two would like to continue your conversation, please do so around the corner. You're distracting the rest of us."

Great. Teachers turn into students and we're in junior high all over again. Way to go, Kristina. Of course, in her defense, hot thighs are way better than Hitler.

A few minutes later, the docent blamed World War I on Germany and a teacher from Armwood High School lost his mind.

"Inaccurate!" he shouted.

The docent, embarrassed and appalled, gave an inch.

"Okay," she said. "I will say that's the way the world perceived the situation, which leads us to the Treaty of Versailles."

Angry Armwood regained composure and we continued with our Happy Holocaust Tour. Then the docent went and said Hitler was elected into office.

"No!" Angry Armwood yelled. "Not true!"

Several teachers whistled and stared at the ceiling. A few more walked out. I coughed "Oskar Schindler" and inched closer to the crazy history teacher. However, before I could flirt, the docent kicked him out.

"I want to see your supervisor!" he yelled. "I've been teaching this stuff for twenty years! I know more than you do! The pictures here aren't even accurate!"

We all know this guy. The one that ruins good movies because "Rob Roy really had black hair." (You're thinking, "You're that guy, Kate" but the only movie I ever ruined was Braveheart. Mel Gibson - too old for the part. Handle it.) Angry Armwood is one of those teachers who will end up medicated before Thanksgiving break. Guaranteed.

I wanted to whisper, "Happy thoughts" and explain there are many different takes on a historical event. The docent simply represented one viewpoint. We didn't have time for an in-depth discussion because, let's face it, happy hour was a-callin'.

"Germany had a right to be angry!" he shouted while authorities escorted him outside.

I just shook my head. Who knew King of Crazy was a Hitler apologist in disguise? Takes all kinds, I suppose. However, I couldn't help but wonder, "Was it worth a trespassing warrant?"



Kristina, Chris and I went along to happy hour. Thighs to discuss and all.

Cheech Wizard in a Snow Blizzard

I remember the storm. I remember the game. My birthday is coming up.

You do the math.

Boomin' Granny

Friend of mine came to work with a catalog she received in the mail.

Looks harmless, right? Typical crap catalog with items for the aged. Compression socks, flannel nightgowns and a large print Bible. So not sexy.

Wait a minute. What's this past the watch-style blood pressure monitor?

Vibrating clitoral pump? Oh my...

I know. There are many activities where being "totally nude" is an acceptable approach. Aerobics is not one of them. However, I'm relieved to know that the same crowd looking for Sparkle-Dent is still humpin' and bumpin'. Obviously. And what a bargain! So don't throw away those catalogs, ladies. Send them to me instead.

Oh! And put them away before the grandkids show up.

Golden years, indeed.

And The Problems Go On

A Florida congressman makes sexual advances on sixteen year-old boys. Republican leadership is told about the inappropriate behavior and ignores it.

Election year and all.

A Republican candidate for Congress is asked about the scandal and has this to say, "We have no stance on that right now - we'll worry about that after we win."

That just about sums it up, no? Go Phyllis!

I Shed Light Like Cats Shed Fur

Is there a song that encapsulates you?

In college, my Psychology of Personal Growth professor asked that we bring in such a song. I chose "She's Always a Woman to Me" by Billy Joel.

What? I was nineteen years old. Besides, Ben Folds hadn't written this yet. ("Every day she wears the same thing. I think she smokes pot.")

For the past ten years or so - many songs have reminded me of me, but none more than this little ditty. If you know me, you must agree.

Think about it. What song tells us about you?

All I Really Want is Girls

Last week, I donated a picture of my breasts to science. Some reactions:

Sister: If I showed my husband, he'd say either 'Yeesh' or 'I married the
wrong sister'.

David: Are they really yours?

Big Guy: How much did those cost?

Anonymous Hater: I'm still not voting for Jim Davis.

Alex: Now I'm voting for Jim Davis.

Jeff: I had no idea breasts could be sarcastic. How wrong I was.

Jenn: How do you stand up straight?

Addison: Nice rack.

Sandy: Nice t*ts.

Sloan: Unsubscribe.

Best response came from one of my favorite political pundits who shall remain nameless: ...spectacular; to go along with your intellectual wit and ability to turn a phrase. I will up the amount of my sponsorship to next week's "Making Strides" walk as a direct result of your efforts.

Oh my, I should flash you all more often.

Must Be Stopped

Let me get this straight. People in New Orleans are suffering, yet yoga on the beach is a responsible use of FEMA dollars? Those cut-taxes-and-spend conservatives never cease to amaze me.

Meanwhile, grist gets it right. Charlie Crist is not a leader in the fight to preserve our environment - or anything else for that matter. On the other hand,

Davis, for his part, has been at the forefront of the congressional fight to
keep oil drills out of Florida's coastal waters, and has consistently voted to
protect the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge as well. He's also been a strong
advocate for Everglades restoration, renewable energy, and energy conservation.

And at least someone is concerned about homeowner's insurance. Who is so concerned? Jim Davis, that's who. So I'm gonna walk door-to-door for him this Saturday to get out the vote. Come join us.

h/t to quaker and Elizabeth

I'll Take Your Pride for a Ride if You Let Me

Charlie Crist is losing friends left and right.

Pun intended.

5-Piece Chicken Dinner

Jeb! is a puss. For reals - hiding in the closet? Quick, someone make a Charlie Crist joke!

h/t to Becky

Gratitude

My mom spent the weekend in Pennsylvania, visiting relatives and attending our newest cousin’s christening. A few days ago, she told my sons of her impending trip and they asked when she’d be returning.

“Monday afternoon,” she said.

My youngest began to cry.

“You’re going to miss Grandparents’ Breakfast on Monday morning!” he wailed as tears flowed down his cheeks.

My oldest, always the healer, stepped in.

“I have an idea,” he said. “Next weekend we’ll have a sleepover at Nana’s and then a special Grandparent’s Breakfast at her house!”

The adults thought that was a wonderful plan. Youngest wasn’t having it.

“How about this?” he said. “Nana takes the trip to Pennsylvania, says hello, and then comes home early.”

I tried not to laugh. Kid’s a lot like me. Mom felt awful.

“I had no idea the breakfast was Monday morning when I planned this trip, sweetheart,” she said, with a heavy heart.

“Well,” my oldest said, still trying to look at the bright side, “at least you’ll be back for the 1st Grade Concert on October 24th.”

Mom looked like one of those men about to be executed.

“I’ll be on a business trip that week,” she said.

Both kids crying now.

“Thanks for stopping by, Mom.”

A few days later, she sent my husband this email.

Changed my flight to come home around midnight on Sunday. That puts me in
the Nana seat at Grandparent’s Day on Monday morning. $330

Cancelled my trip to Missouri. That puts me in the Nana Seat for the
1st Grade Choral Event. No bonus.

Responses from grandchildren: “You’re the best Nana I ever had."
“Wait till you hear me say my part of the poem. You'll love it."
Priceless.

Gettin' Live on the Spot

Attended a homeowner's rally yesterday. Christ, Pasco County is hot.

H.A.C. Florida, Inc. turned out a good crowd, considering we were in New Port Richey. Once again, pleasantly surprised by the amount of people sporting all their own teeth. Overwhelmingly Democrat, a few independents supported Max Linn (the only candidate for governor who showed) and no one seemed impressed with the woman who spoke for Gus Bilirakis. Bimbo used that old standby, "This isn't about Republicans or Democrats. This is a people problem."

No people, you're the problem. Once again for those in the cheap seats: most of our state reps, US Reps, plus the Governor and POTUS are Republicans. Neocons should accept blame, fix the problem, or better yet, get the f*ck out of the way.

Power to the people. All twelve of them.


Every few seconds, this one fell asleep. Rockin' hard the night before and Jack Daniels doesn't go down like it used to.


T-Shirt Hell. Pasco County Style.




Elmo isn't gonna buy itself, folks.


Phyllis! shaking sh*t up and giving neocons a thumbs down.


I do believe in Zimmerman. Carl Zimmerman.


At the end of the day. Hope.

The Disrespect to Women Has Got to be Through

Ms. Magazine will hit newsstands October 10 with a cover story titled, "We Had Abortions" and a petition that thousands of women signed, making such a declaration.

At first, I thought it rather odd to make such a public declaration of what is, at its core, a private and heart-wrenching decision. However, as always, after researching the situation and getting educated about it - the issue makes more sense. From Ms. Magazine:

It is time to speak out again– in even larger numbers —and to make politicians
face their neighbors, influential movers and shakers, and yes, their family
members. We cannot, must not—for U.S. women and the women of the world—lose the
right to safe, legal, and accessible abortion or access to birth control. Just
as in 1972, Ms. will send the signed petitions to the White House, members of
Congress and state legislators. We will also place the petition online. And we
ask signers to make a contribution so Ms. can promote the petition and provide
needed funds to fight abortion bans and support targeted abortion providers,
such as the sole remaining women’s clinic in Mississippi.

Your name and
your voice will make a difference.

I've never had an abortion, but I worked in a women's health clinic and held hundreds of women's hands as they faced the most difficult decision of their lives. I know more about abortion than many who just read about it, know an old friend who had one, or just listen to their male priests rant about it on Sunday. My eyes fill with tears when women talk about how they came to choose abortion and I remain firmly committed to seeing this procedure stay safe and legal.

Another signatory, Debbie Findling of San Francisco, described her difficult
decision last year to have an abortion after tests showed that she would bear a
son with Down syndrome.

"I felt it was my right to make the
decision, but having that right doesn't make the decision any easier," she said.
"It was the hardest decision I've ever made."

Findling, 42, is married,
with a 5-year-old daughter, and has been trying to get pregnant again while
pursuing her career as a philanthropic foundation executive. She says too many
of her allies in the abortion-rights movement tend to minimize, at least
publicly, the psychological impact of abortion.

"It's emotionally
devastating," she said in a phone interview. "I don't regret my decision, but I
regret having been put in the position to have to make that choice. It's
something I'll live with for the rest of my life."

Everything I Do is Funky Like Lee Dorsey

This is a special day and in the midst of drama and unexpected happenings, it helps to remember words of love said over a decade ago.

Yahoo is helping out with some much-needed advice for long-distance relationships. Personal favorite: hoochy mail. Give it a try. You know my email address, right?

Girls

That's what I call them. My girls. Others refer to them as breasts, t*ts, tatas, etc. Still others enjoy the simple yet playful term "boobies". One thing's for certain, though.

Although they come in all shapes and sizes (large, small, saggy and perky), they
have one thing in common: The ability to develop cancer.

Boobie-Thon is a growing movement - an online happening. Bloggers are invited to donate pictures of their breasts and to see the truly fabulous (and uncovered) - you have to pay. Maybe next year, boys. All proceeds benefit The Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

Yesterday, I donated a picture of my girls in all their glory. The photos are anonymous, but I'll tell you a secret. Listening? You'll be able to spot mine. Without a doubt. So donate to a good cause, help prevent breast cancer, and see if you can guess which Double-Ds belong to me. Go ahead and guess!

Let's cure this thing.

It's a Man's Man's World

Charlie Crist and Mark Foley.


Bosom Buddies.

Let Me Get Some Action from the Back Section

While talking to a friend the other night, we got on the subject of home remedies. I don't mean to get all Addison on you, but doctors, and modern medicine in general, don't always get it right.
If you are suffering from any of the following ailments or assaches, listen up.

• When bundle of joy is teething, you're gonna want to hide somewhere until the screaming stops. Fight the urge to throw yourself off a cliff and stay away from the drugstore. Here's what you must do: pour some whiskey in a shot glass. Dip your pinky inside the liquid and rub it all over Junior's sore little gums. Put Junior to bed. Then drink the rest of the shot yourself. Everyone wins.
• After Little Miracle clawed her way out, you noticed that...well...certain things started coming out the ass. Completely normal. Uncomfortable but normal. Stay away from medication and try this instead: Drink a cup of prune juice every morning and another one around 7pm. Trust me. Will clean you out more effectively than a tax collector. Then soak in a sitz bath for about fifteen minutes every night before bed. Freshens you up in more ways than one. And completely cures tushie troubles.
• A guy I blow...I mean, know...used to have what medical men refer to as "boo-boo tummy." Hunkalove couldn't eat a thing without severe heartburn. Tried three different meds, chewed Tums like candy corn and suffered an occasional attitude problem whenever I served Mexican. Then he discovered Organic Apple Cider Vinegar with Mother. No lie. Dude took a tablespoon with every meal which gradually gave way to a tablespoon every day and now he's cured. Completely. One hundred percent. Every few weeks he takes this Magic Elixir for preventative reasons, but otherwise the man is a delight to dine with again.

Three success stories. Problems solved without pharmaceutical intervention. And don't forget the most important part of this lesson: Drink the rest of the shot yourself.

Class dismissed.

Welcome Back Kotter

These are meeting minutes I typed up at the request of a few co-workers. When will they learn? When will I?

For those who missed yesterday’s ESE Department Meeting, please allow me to
fill you in on the happenings.

FTE is almost upon us so please make sure J-screen minutes are correct and check IEPs so that classes are correct by Friday. Our department head can’t do it all people! Besides, if we make mistakes, our ESE specialist might get in trouble. (No one’s moving. Okay…) Let me put it another way: If we make mistakes, our old
Department Head will return. There. If you look outside the office right
now, Sam's* hauling ass to the cume room. Watch him run!

The audit has been moved to mid-October. Let’s be nice to those who can cut our
funds. Principal Man is leading by example and will provide food,
share his preferred parking, and make eye contact with everyone. Come watch!

Order supplies by the end of the week. Bonnie had to gently
remind Mychelle for the ninth time that no, booze is not an appropriate
allocation of school district dollars.

Textbook money must be used by Feb/March or the money will be returned. Remember Katie’s motto that got her through college: Use it or lose it.

Mandatory Gradequick Training to be attended on Thursday, October 5th during your planning period. Otherwise you’re going to have to serve detention after school – this week the punishment is listening to June complain about students who bite. You decide.

Bonnie will train us to include "Writing in the Content Area" in our curriculum. This is due to all freshmen needing a 4.0 on FCAT Writes. I know. Have you MET our freshmen? But this is the law. Until Jim Davis is elected.

Check out the new Curriculum Guide in the bathroom. Fun reading. Our recommendation is to remove Learning Strategies and CBT because we
don't have enough teachers to teach these two classes. Of course, Katie offered
to teach them just to continue working here next semester. She also offered to
stick a broom up her arse so she can sweep as she goes along.

The new school won't open until 2009 or later. Get used to overcrowding. Until Jim
Davis is elected.

Delete 4151 postings and mark messages "as read" to avoid pop-ups and porn spam. You’re welcome.

The Florida State Fair is coming so if you'd like to set up an exhibit, please see Bonnie for the proper paperwork. We’re not allowed to display student oddities after last year’s unfortunate "Acne Accident". You’ve been forewarned.

Scary District Woman will be here for an always pleasant School Visitation. Please
answer her inappropriate questions cordially. Not like Kelli. Who has a bit of
an attitude lately.

Kiki started to talk and within seconds most participants complained of acid indigestion. Kiki couldn't hear the complaints above her witty and entertaining anecdotes about...oh, who am I kidding? I started daydreaming about Owen Wilson. Kiki did mention that McKay scholarships can be used for public school and we must now mention them to parents during IEP meetings.

Did you know that learning disabled and emotionally handicapped kids are taking the FCAT? Until Jim Davis is elected. Cause watching them react to stressful situations is fun for everyone. Just ask Cara who witnessed a student melting down last week over a pizza shortage.

Peace be with you,
Kate the Great

Yes, this is filled with inside jokes, but none that you smart readers can't make heads or tails over. Right?

*Names have been changed to protect me. From myself.

Turn the Party Out

My homeowner's insurance went from $798 last year to $2656 this year. I know. Think of the corsets I can't buy now that I'm strapped. Get it? Strapped.

I'm not complaining, just stating outright that sh*t's outta hand. Of course, C, H, and the boys over at Sunshine will insist this has nothing to do with our leaders. Of course, they will say I should be thankful my home is worth so much. Sure.

Of course, I disagree. Insurance companies (and oil companies, etc.) should not be allowed to price gouge and then blame it on a war or hurricane. Many homeowners are going to foreclose due to rising insurance rates and our Republican representatives will be held accountable.

A group of angry, fed-up homeowners is gathering in beautiful downtown New Port Richey.

Join us at the Homeowner's Insurance Rally!
10.07.06
2:00PM
Government Center - New Port Richey
Map
Click here for Information and Flyer

Scheduled to appear:
Phyllis! Busansky
Carl Zimmerman
Michael Cox

And me.

A Hypocrite

"It's vile. It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."
--Mark Foley, on Bill Clinton, in 1998

h/t to Michael

It's Time to Set the Record Straight

Charlie Crist doesn't understand our lives.

He's never had to balance family and career. He has no idea what it takes to navigate children through school. He's never felt the crunch of rising property taxes, burdensome homeowner's insurance, and the part this plays in a sagging real estate market.

How could he understand? Charlie Crist is divorced, no kids, and has never even owned a home. Charlie Crist is hopelessly out of touch with Florida's families.

Jim Davis is a loving and devoted husband with two children who enjoy a fine education in our public schools. He's owned the same home for over a decade and is firmly entrenched in our community. Jim Davis is one of us.

Charlie Crist takes millions from special interest groups to run ads about tax and spend liberals. Who is he kidding? My taxes keep going up - along with homeowner's insurance, gas prices, etc. - and I'm represented by Republicans. Nothing but neocons as far as the eye can see.

Jim's right. If you want more of the same, vote for Crist. If you'd like to see our governor represent the people, send one of the people to Tallahassee. Vote for Jim Davis.

You're Looking Hungry

Easy fasting, peeps.

I Won't Sell My Songs for No TV Ad

Are men really so simple as to define manhood by the amount of meat they consume? According to Burger King, men are that simple. TGI Friday's agrees. And Hummer insists that men who wimp out and eat healthy can overcome emasculation by purchasing gas-guzzling automobiles. If you can't pollute your prostate, f*ck up the ecosystem instead!

Go here to vote for the worst of these commercials.

Don't fault advertisers; their job is to generate revenue. Therefore companies have a vested interest in encouraging men to feel like boobs. These commercials seem to present all the proof my single friends need when bemoaning the shortage of decent guys out there.

Real men take care of themselves and the world we live in. Without dead animals weighing them down, real men also last longer in more ways than one. Suck on that Whopper.

h/t to Kleo