No matter how prepared a parent is to answer such an inquiry, the Big Question still comes as a surprise.
None other brings with it so many different ways to answer with repercussions if those answers aren't adequate.
I want to be honest, but shouldn't give more information than necessary. Personal anecdotes are more than a little inappropriate, so no oversharing. Our children don't need to hear about the ways Mommy and Daddy had to practice to get it right. Just the facts.
Our children should feel safe and comfortable asking us anything; I certainly don't want them to learn more from knuckleheads at school than from knuckleheads at home. At least we don't pick our nose or get all our information from teenage siblings.
No answer should imply that their questions are dirty or bad. Yet I don't want to be flippant and act like the whole episode, while a bit awkward at times, is just one big joke.
Let's face it - who wants to be reminded in family therapy years from now that smirks and explicit answers led to sexual dysfunction. Or the priesthood.
At first, I pretended not to understand the question. Because that's enlightened.
"I'm sorry, sweetie, what are you asking?"
"What does s-e-x mean?" Youngest said, all innocent and curious.
Okay, here goes, Catherine. Try not to f*ck this up.
"It means lots of things. Tell me how it was used in a sentence."
What? Context matters.
"I heard it at school. Colin said s-e-x is a big deal."
"Well, I suppose it is a big deal. S-e-x spells sex."
"What's sex?"
"It's another word for intercourse. Sex is how mommies and daddies make babies."
I had several choices here: different tacks to take depending on the kids' age. Eight year-olds are going to get the less is more, conservative version. For all our sakes. Condoms and foreplay are another talk for another time.
"How do mommies and daddies make babies?"
Oldest made his way, slowly but surely, over to our part of the living room. Reading his mind was easy: Forget
Sports Illustrated, what's Mom and Youngest talking about?
"A man has sperm in his penis and a woman has an egg deep inside her belly. The sperm and the egg meet in a special hug and then nine months later a baby is born."
Few years ago, that explanation was enough to send them satisfied and on their merry way.
Not no more.
"How do the egg and sperm meet?" Oldest asked.
"Yeah," Youngest said. "Do you find someone you like and them boom - the sperm comes out of the man all over the woman's belly?"
Sometimes. If alcohol is involved.
I had no idea when I woke up that morning that I'd be introducing terms like vagina, uterus, and fallopian tubes to my children. If I had known, I would have stayed in bed and watched television instead.
"How does the penis go into the va-gi-na?"
"When a man and a woman finish graduate school and get married, they decide to have a baby. So they hug and they kiss and the penis finds its way. Sperm comes out and fertilizes the egg and a baby is born nine months later. Or seven if the mommy is carrying impatient identicals with big heads and a stubborn streak."
Long pause.
"It's a wonderful and beautiful thing," I said. "A miracle."
Please say we're done.
They both looked confused, like my students when I'm attempting to explain The Patriot Act and how in the name of God it passed Congress.
Then Youngest said,
"I get it! The mommy and daddy are naked! That's how the penis finds its way!"
I nodded my head. Less is more, Catherine. Less is more.
"Where do you make the babies?" Oldest asked.
The bed, hallway, kitchen table, best friend's exercise equipment.
"Usually in bed," I said.
"What if someone walks in while you're making a baby," Oldest said. "That'd be gross."
Well, not always, but they don't need to hear about that time at Mardi Gras...
"Typically people don't walk into other people's bedrooms at night time. For just that reason."
"Aunt Blah-Blah is having a baby," Oldest said. "Is this what happened to her?"
I pictured my Catholic sister and her husband at the next family function getting quizzed by two sexually charged nephews. They've been dealing with morning sickness and a toddler at the same time. They've been through enough.
"Sex is okay to talk about here at home with mommy and daddy, but let's not go around discussing this with others. Makes people uncomfortable. And we shouldn't discuss sex at school either. It's private talk and you all are big boys now. So let the other kids' parents decide when to tell them, okay?"
"Yeah, cause Colin still believes in Santa," Youngest said. "Let him wait until graduate school to find out what his penis does."
I've seen Colin. He'll be in his forties before he finds out what his penis does. Guaranteed.
But that's another talk for another time.
